When your husband has a disability

  We always knew that my husband had some quirks, but at the age of 29 he has been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. Obviously he is very high functioning, as he spent 8 years in the military and nobody caught on to this, until he got out. So, here I am wondering how I can help my husband.

   He has some things to work through from his service, and now he has just been told that he is not in fact "stupid" as he was made to appear, he has a disability. He is going to college and they have a fantastic network of help here in Montana for disabled students, but what is my first move as a wife? What do you do when you find out your husband has a disability?

   Oh, I think it's obvious when it is a physical one, in some cases, but his is mental and psychological. He has had no therapy in his life to help him learn how to do the things that he has struggled with. He has just been coping. How can I help?

  Because he is 29, it is not like when it's your child and you make the therapy appointments and do all the things they say. He literally will have to re-learn things. We have already seen some of the struggles in his first semester of college, when he was un-diagnosed. But, with the medication he has been taking for his military wounds, we have seen vast improvement in his concentration and ability to do his required reading and writing. I know it sounds corny, but I am at the place where I found I just have to love him through it.

   He has to want to start therapy. He has to make and go to the appointments. He has to work things out with disability services at the college. Oh, I remind him to take his medicine because it is important, but it was his choice to take them as well. I think that sometimes we can cross the line between "wifing" and "mothering". We want to help them so much, and sometimes we don't know how, that we begin to boss them around like we do our kids. Our conversations begin taking on a tone that is more demanding of obedience, than loving support.

   We want good things for them, I get it, but I draw a line at mothering my husband. He is the head of our family, even if he has a disability. I am still his wife. We will get through this together, but there are choices that he has to make. I choose to love him, encourage him, and pray for him.

   I was given a verse to pray over my husband before we found out about his ASD, and I now believe that it was straight from the Holy Spirit. 2 Timothy 1:7- For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (KJV)

   My own prayer for my husband is that God would give him the strength to see this season through. That he would see this a shaping of his heart and mind, and a very positive growing time, and not as the end to his dreams and future. That he would feel the love of our family, and seek God in making decisions for us. God made him the way he is for a reason, and though we don't know it all yet, we trust that He works all things together for good(Romans 8:28).

  Dear wife of a disabled husband. I see, and feel the struggle to control this situation. But, you can't. Step back and let your husband lead. He may need your help, and he will ask for it, but right now he just needs you to love him the most. To treat him like the man you married, and not someone who is sick or to "mother" him. Praise him for making the hard decisions he will have to make, and stand by him if he chooses not to do certain things. Pray for him. These are all ways you can help.

 Love God, Love your husband, Love your family,

Nicole